Dear Alcohol, First and foremost, let me tell you that I’m a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work daiquiri, a glass of wine on the weekend, you’re even around in the holidays, or hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we’re stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I’ve been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:
1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a kebab, a butter chicken curry along with a sausage with cheese, onion and mustard (washed down with Coke and topped off with a Kit Kat after a few sweet chilli and sour cream potato chips)? I’m an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you’re subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It’s completely unnecessary, and the black and blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 minutes
to get the front door key into the lock.
4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for a previous evening’s debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily activities.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You’ve been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don’t know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.
In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions and hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.
Thank you, Your biggest fan.
Posted on March 18th, 2007 by Leo
Filed under: Jokes
hey Leo - great post. I love this style of writing. I think I must be number 2 on the alcohol fan list. If you feel like it have a look at my “open letter to acme” at http://www.cantcoachthat.com/index.php/site/an_open_letter_to_the_acme_corporation/
It’s a bit of fun. I have been thinking of writing a regular series of “open letter” type posts. maybe we can set a trend.
Cheers
Coach
Lol, that is fantastic! While guilty of #2 and #3 myself, I’ve been pretty lucky to avoid #1 and #4 for the most part. Another one that I could add to the list is the drunk email, for some reason it seems like a good idea at the time but I would not recommend it.
Before joining Alcohol for a night of fun, maybe it would be a good idea to hide the battery to the phone and the power cable to the computer.
Put my name on the list also. The 8 beers last night have given me such a headache today. If only I didn’t have a long work day and band practice tonight. I just want sleep!
Personally I like the 2AM calls. Sometimes I will ask for a credit card number.
-K
Do you accept Paypal?
Anyone actually give credit card numbers???
F
No but I have gotten some seriously good blackmail material.
well you should write the stuff down, change some names and give us something good to read about.
Leo I gotta tell you my worst drunken story was when I was waayyyyy younger. Goes like this. Don’t remember getting home, don’t remember why I never entered the house, don’t remember why I fell asleep on the tire of my old jacked up chevy 4×4, do remember being a little cold and waking up with a foot of snow on me. Yeah my drinking days were numbered after that….
Leo, this is a really funny post. At close to 50….I have fond memories of my youth, and they aren’t too far from yours!
Leo, this post is hysterical. At the age of 50, I have fond memories of my youth and they stand close to yours.
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