With the advent of the internet, it is easier more than ever for people to connect with others online. I was on set today with an old friend, who incidentally runs an online dating site, and we had an interesting conversation about this new and growing cyber relationships phenomenon. Sites such as Myspace and Friendster have gained popularity amongst the online community as a means of networking, chatting and flirting. Cyber nightclubs pretty much, huh? Does anybody actually meet people in person anymore? It is interesting to see so many people become consumed by this apparent online alternate reality and how they can trick themselves into detaching their actions from real society’s morality. New societal issues regarding morality, integrity and fidelity will be created as we embark on a new chapter in human interaction.
*Please note that in all the scenarios provided in the following editorial, the role of the man and woman can be reversed. I merely use the more common example of the man making the advances.
- False representation. Let’s face it, cyber chatting is very different than in real life. Online we are given the unique opportunity to organize our thoughts and construct (or fabricate) our opinions to suit the audience. I can make myself sound like the perfect dream guy online if I wanted to, I never fart. People often associate the mystery behind the online persona with real feelings like love. It’s not the person you really believe you love, it’s the idea of that person that you have fallen for. Remember body language can amount to 80% of human communication. Does this mean that only around 20% is communicated via cyber chat?
- False or misleading profiles. We’ve all heard it, the fat dude pretending to be the hot chick. More common are the people who post 10 year old photos of when they were a track star, hardly representative of the current situation. I always like the classic profiles with more pictures of their nice car than of the person it describes.
- Online predators. Every year, stats show that youth (mostly female) are lured away from home by sexual predators and pimps in increasing numbers. Online molestation (a person “getting off” by engaging in sex talk), is it any less harmful or wrong because it happened online? What about emotional trauma?
- Cyber Flirting. Real life relationships can be destroyed when one party finds out that their partner was flirting with someone else online. This is an integrity issue. Is it okay to flirt if the person you’re flirting with is on another continent with little or no chance of really meeting up? Online fidelity is a growing issue that society has yet to draw clear lines of acceptability.
Many people have a tendency to create an invisible cyber barrier that they believe exempts them from what society dictates is proper etiquette. In short, they believe their actions online differ completely from the same actions in the real world. Tangible and intangible, are either any more real than the other? I present you with some scenarios to consider:
- A woman in a real life relationship is hit-on online and she does nothing to deter the man from his amorous advances but continues to have an ongoing conversation. Is the boyfriend justified in being upset that his girlfriend continues to engage in dialogue with a man who has had clear sexual intentions yet have never met? Is this flirting or a “just friends” chatting situation.
- A woman in a relationship is in a real life bar and is hit on by a man, she does nothing to deter this man but continues to chat with this man despite his advances. Is the boyfriend justified in being upset now?
In both instances mentioned above, the onus has been set, with the man clearly making his intentions no secret of being sexually attracted and the attached female making no attempt at deterrance. Is it acceptable now if the woman tells the man that she has a boyfriend yet continues to engage in regular conversation? Is it acceptable for the attached woman to further acknowledge her mutual attraction for the man (with comments like, “You’re hot! But I have a boyfriend”) but insist that they can stay “friends”? Is there any real difference between cyber and real life actions? Can this be construed as inappropriate behavior for a woman with a boyfriend or husband. Is it disrespectful to the feelings of the boyfriend or husband despite no act of physical adultery taking place? Is this online infidelity?
The internet is not going anywhere anytime soon. The questions I presented will have to be addressed countless times in the near future. More and more I see people underestimating the power of the spoken word and taking more stock in those that are typed. Not looking to ban or restrict peoples’ rights of the internet, but I see it as encumbant upon the user to be responsible for their actions. I see both the advantages and disadvantages of our new cyber realm. I have this blog to show for it don’t I? However, our actions online and our thoughts that are typed must respect those close to us who might be affected by them.
*ADDENDUM (March 13, 11:33am): There are two simple tests to see whether you may be crossing the line (or traipsing close to the edge) when it comes to appropriate cyber behaviour.
- The postcard test: Most applicable to emails in a work environment. Like a postcard, the contents of your message may be viewed by others aside from your intended recipient. If you’re not comfortable with other people viewing the message, then edit it or don’t send it.
- The Over-The-Shoulder test: If you are in a current relationship and are having regular online conversations with someone of the opposite sex (or same sex, whatever floats your boat), would you be writing the same messages if your partner was standing over your shoulder? If not, then deep down inside you know what you’re doing is inappropriate and the feelings of your partner should be taken into consideration.
During my research, I was surprised to find so much precedence has already been set. An interesting article written by Angela Lewis for “Living Now” magazine caught my eye, it was written way back in October 2002. Another great, and more recent article, was posted on Ezilon.com and aptly titled “The Truth About Cyber Relationships“.
Usually associated with youths overdoing their online gaming, a new medical condition has emerged called Cyber Disorders is affecting a diverse demographic, especially amongst those suffering from depression, seeking attention and acceptance online.
I leave the floor to your comments and I am interested to see all your responses.
Posted on March 13th, 2007 by Leo
Filed under: Lucid Thoughts
Leo, I like your presentational argument. I agree with you regarding your point about “the power of the spoken word.” As they say the pen is mightier than the sword. A word or, more accurately, a group of words can mend broken friendships, heal separated families and create bridges where two lands were once separated. Opposedly, words can begin wars, kill love and stir up generations of prejudice and hatred. Words are powerful indeed. The parables of the Bible have initiated voluminous books of mere…words.
Words whether typed or spoken invariably have a causal effect on everyone concerned which invariably lead to action; words always start out with a mere thought.
I can’t even remember the last time I went clubbing
I still meet a ton of people through work, but my wife would be pretty mad if I was to go out with any of them!
Viktor,
Glad you enjoyed the article and I hope it encouraged some thought. Your statement “words always start out with a mere thought”, I believe that to be true. With cyber chatting everything is typed and there is a delay from when the thought is created and the words are typed, so what is thought but not typed?
Saman,
Casually meeting people is not a problem. But consider this: As a married man, how would you react if a woman you found attractive made advances to you online? Would you feed off that attention for selfish reasons or would you promptly end it? How would your wife react? How would you react if the roles were reversed?
I watched an episode of Dr. Phil (I know, I know! I hate him but I couldn’t help it!) that touched base on this topic. There was a couple whose marriage was on its last thread. The husband had caught his wife online in chat rooms and on dating sites on top of the other problems they faced. She felt that since it was just chatting, there was nothing wrong with it. Why would a married woman feel the need to chat with other men online? The answer is simple…
Individuals who flirt and lead people on while in a relationship do so when they feel the need for more attention. As they don’t plan on carrying out anything with the person they are flirting with, they feel that they are not doing anything wrong. They play the “just a friend” game to try to jusify it. But in reality, nobody wants their partner doing the same to them. Why do people jeopardize their relationships for a little attention? It all boils down to issues within oneself. People with insecurities causing behavior such as this often need to work on loving themselves before trying to commit to a relationship.
Wow, I gotta watch Dr. Phil more often. I think he’s really on to something there.
Interesting questions, but I never allow myself to get into that type of situation - online or offline. Not because I can’t trust myself (or that my wife couldn’t), I just don’t think it would be appropriate!
And because of your belief that it would be inappropriate, it justifies the trust your wife has in you. You have righteous morals Saman, your wife is lucky
It’s more that I know I’m damn sexy and I don’t trust the other women!
I dunno what I think about this.
I mean, a teeny bit of flirting like “Hey cutie, how’s it going?” may be harmless and really geared towards a member of either sex if written by a woman, but then a more overt “Do I make you horny?” is probably crossing the line.
I think you are onto something with the “over the shoulder test”. If I would not say something in front of my boyfriend then I probably have no business saying it at all, right?
No with all that said and done hot stuff whadda ya say we meet on the down-low? LOL
I am kidding!!!!!!!
See, now that would have been inappropriate regardless, no?
Here’s the question: Would you be OK with your boyfriend saying “Hey cutie, how’s it going?” to another woman?
Saman vs. Sonia
(grabs popcorn and sits back to watch the action)
There is a definite disconnect between a persons online persona and their real life one. Some are more distinct than others but I think we all misrepresent ourselves online one way or another. It’s a byproduct of the medium.
The internet strips away context and allows you to manufacture an image of yourself that isn’t shaped by your immediate environment. We’ve all come into contact with the 12 year old who talks to you like he’s a 200 pound jock.
When it comes to relationships online I don’t think people really believe that the common rules of morality are exempt online. It’s just easier to get away with that sort of behaviour on the net, and because of that it’s more tempting.
All very interesting…but what if its just a simple case of constant jealousy on the readers part? its very easy to Misinterpret or read to heavily into a one sided my space comment isnt it if you dont hear both sides of the conversation?
The interesting point would be… did you trust your partner to begin with if you have to go tracking there comments in the first place?
Sounds like La Leah and you should just get married on Dr Phil and call it quits…
Hmmm….
Well I believe I have noticed a few terms of endearment used by him….honey, beautiful etc… and have not mentioned it as it did not worry me.
After all, he does not complain either.
Anyways, in short if its “hey hun, how’s it going?” no. if it was “hey baby, last night was great but you forgot your panties” then yes.
Tasha, nobody is calling anybody out here so there is no reason to not remain civil. You’ve made your points and they are noted. This post was meant to encourage opinions and healthy debate.
A jealous partner can be hard to deal with, however does that justify the other party to continue in a cyber relationship where, however innocent now, started with obvious romantic overtones?
As a former marketing manager for an asian online dating site, I can tell you that even though it’s really easy to meet people online, there are SOOO many fake profiles out there or at least profiles with pictures that don’t have pictures representative of themselves that I, myself don’t even like to meet people over the internet. Until I develop a good relationship with them over chatting or emails or even “commenting” these days, will I even entertain the thought of involving this new person into my “real” life. I just believe in balancing life out, so I still go out to clubs and meet girls the good ol’ fashion way - when their drunk . . kidding kidding . . i think “buzzed” is the better word to use
The minute you decided to BLOG our relationship for all your friends and X’s to “comment on” with only your representation of events and BEFORE even dealing with it yourself, you lost me. NOTE THAT ONE… and keep me off your future “Blogging”
enjoy your cyber space I’ll bring your stuff over Sun…
People that you meet online may turn out to be characters different in real life. I guess it is hard to differientiate habits and stuff that you do online compared to reality. I have to go along with the fact that flirting on the net is no different from doing it in real life, and it would be hard to accept this fact if my other half is ’seeing’ someone other than me, even if it is in the virtual world.
Tasha, although you were the inspiration behind the post, I had kept you out of the topic that I had thought I kept quite neutral. I never pointed fingers, just trying to get some opinions and trying to understand a concept that is alien to me.
Until you made your comments, nobody knew of our situation. It saddens me that you have to be so vindictive and lash out in anger when I was attempting to gain some more insight and understanding
Although cyber flirting isn’t a problem for me, I can see how people who are insecure could use it as a self esteem booster b/c , yes, it is so easy to twist the truth a little. I think that, as in real life, how you present yourself invites the treatment you get. Know what I mean?
I have a friend that I’ve known since high school and I watch her in social situations with men, inspite of being married, I see her do the subtle flirting thing with other men all the time. Always makes her look available and like they may have a chance and I know she uses the attention to boost her self esteem. I refuse to go out with her. I can’t stand it.
Maybe if you you didn’t have a good laugh with you stupid little X I wouldn”t of commented! how embarassing!
“Why do people jeopardize their relationships for a little attention? It all boils down to issues within oneself. People with insecurities causing behavior such as this often need to work on loving themselves before trying to commit to a relationship..”
Ya Leah worked great for you huh! maybe if you spent a little less time eating donuts and watching Dr Phil it might of worked out. Hes all yours…and if we ever end up in a room together…RUN
Hey, Leo. Just wondering what your friend’s thoughts are on the matter. Your roomate. I’m just curious unless she specifically wishes to refrain from such a conversation. I’d like to hear a woman’s side of the story. =)
There have been several women leaving their opinions.
Jesus…I don’t think I deserved any of that. I didn’t say anything to try to specifically hurt you Tasha…I don’t even know you so why would I? How could I have known this blog had anything to do with you until you started posting back? It didn’t mention your name or mention “girlfriend” or mention anything that would lead me to think that. Does this really have anything to do with me - NO. Hope you guys come to some kind of conclusion and end all of this mess.
Sorry you got dragged into this, hope your boyfriend is not offended.
Someone sounds bitter, I really didn’t expect this to become a flame post….
Yeah, I didn’t expect it either. I wrote this article based on a topic I was truly fascinated about, and I wanted to get more info and opinions from real people. Although it had relevance to my personal situation I did not intend to air my dirty laundry for all to see, nor was it an attempt at a low-blow attack at anyone, least of all my girlfriend. If anyone reads my past posts regularly it is obvious I adore her.
I had thought I kept the article fairly neutral (hard to hide where I stand on the issue but you know what I mean) while posing some challenging questions on a fairly new and subjective topic. This was a completely foreign experience for me to go through. My apologies if I failed to communicate properly and I’m sorry you all had to see the ugliness.
I still think this is an interesting topic and encourage other peoples opinions, particularly those with first hand experience.
Actually, if anything, my boyfriend will have a good laugh over it. He still thinks the whole phenomenon of people putting their thoughts out for the world is weird…he’s ALMOST been pulled into the myspace trend!
well..im coming into this a little bit late…but i hope people are still dropping by and having a read. i have read every word leo had to say about his thoughts on cyber-cheating…and yes, it really does suck. it isnt right..and people who are in relationships should not be excused from it. but wait a minute…lets dig a little deeper. i think there is more to this than meets the eye. what the hell is ‘cheating’ nowadays? a dude is walking a long the street with his girl, a HOT chick walks by and the dude takes a peek–is that cheating? HARDLY!! (but i know some girls would freak out. seriously girls, the man is yours, he is going home with you. if he wants to look at another girl, dont fret, you go and take a look @ that hot guy across the street. this is all harmless. no one is going home with the other person, settle down!) well…what about, you are walking along..a guy stops you and says “i just wanted to tell you that i think you are absolutely beautiful.” you stammer a quick thank you (well, that is the polite thing to do)….and the guy introduces himself… you do the same. he smiles and he goes his merry way. the boyfriend sees this–he can either (A) FREAK OUT! chase the guy and beat him down and claim the girl as his property as any normal caveman would do..OR (B) walk up to his girl, put his arm around her and be proud that this is your girlfriend. she’s hot, you know it…let people appreciate beauty.
the last 2 scenarious, you could hardly call it cheating….its day to day stuff. i know that it doesnt really relate to the cyber topic…but just wait!! i’ll get to my point.
it really boils down to trust. you are with someone, you love them (at least you keep saying you do)…would you REALLY think that just because she (OR HE) takes a peek at another person….says hi to the stranger that tells em they think they’re beautiful….that they are going run off with this random person and start sexual escapades behind your back?? now take this into the cyber setting….you are searching through your friends myspace list and you fall upon a random person…you send a quick note to say hi. they say hi back…you have a mutual friend, this person must be cool cuz he/she is friends with your friend, yaddi yaddi yadda…..uh oh… could this mean he/she is trying to CHEAT!?? *GASP!!* im sorry, this is truly pathetic. people who have no trust for their significant other shouldnt even be with the person. and why would you go into great lengths to find out who she is talking to…or what she is saying…..it you have any reason to doubt the relationship here, instead of writing it out for the whole world to see, maybe sitting down with the girl or guy, and just asking for their side of story will shed the light you are looking for. has it ever occured to anyone that MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, she/he is really chatting with someone as strictly friends? they are having a laugh and a good time and there are no sexual advances? people joke around sexually all the time nowadays too…cmon, admit it…youve slapped your friends ass and you have a bf/gf….and the kiss on the friends cheek? please dont tell me that is wrong either!!
where am i getting at? i dont even know anymore. i personally do not like people who are controlling.. people who go into a relationship with no trust and constantly badger the other person down because they display their affection with other people more openly than you would like. i myself am a touchy feeling emotional lovey person…if i like ya, u get a hug….if you mean anything to me, u get a kiss….it doesnt mean i wanna sleep with you!
*phew!* calm down…hehheh…what im trying to get at is, cyber cheating is wrong. but before you decide and accuse this horrible act upon someone, GET YOUR SHIT STRAIGHT!!! there are always two sides to story…if this person is worth it, you would listen to it.
i have met great people through friends of friends of friend lists and just randomly. they have opinions and views of the world that i appreciate and love to listen. we talk about life and we tend to start to like each other. now tell me…should i slap my wrist for trying to look for attention that isnt from my man?? (hmm, they might have commented on my looks…and i might have commented back on their looks…uhoh….am i in the hot seat now??)
OH! and one final thought….i think some people have it backwards….i think the person who is so concerned with their significant other “reaching out and possibly on the sexual prowl” (gag!) is the one is INSECURE!! if you were so confident with the relationship, what the hell are you so worried about?? hmmm….maybe you arent so confident after all? maybe the real honest to god truth is, YOU ARE INSECURE and to make YOURSELF feel better, you blame the other person for being who they are when you met them. oooh!! truth hurts.
(and if anyone cares…im using examples from real life experiences) =) g’day peeps!
Thanks for your inputs Beki, it’s appreciated, it really is. But I think what was mostly being debated here was if it is appropriate for a person in a committed relationship to continue to indulge someone who has made their amorous intentions clear.
To quote an email from a wise little bird, “Telling someone you have a boyfriend doesn’t necessarily mean a lot these days and doesn’t put you into the “friends only zone”. Men don’t necessarily respect it when I tell them I have a boyfriend…telling someone you have a boyfriend doesn’t stop them from trying to get a piece of ass. I’m always amazed that these idiots still send messages on these websites trying to make small talk, flirting when it is obvious you are attached.”
There’s also a quote my black brothers like to say, “Even a Dawg don’t dig for bones in another Dawg’s back yard.” Cue rap music . . .
Maybe it’s different from a man’s perspective and a woman’s perspective, is there a double standard?
I think this whole phenomenon of internet dating has really increased opportunities for cheating. I was also hurt by such a situation - and my ex honestly sees that he’s done nothing wrong, since he not only had no intention of meeting anyone in person, but also because he swears he never met anyone in person, so I’m just being paranoid for nothing. I don’t get it at all. It’s like all common sense and decency about faithfulness in relationships goes out the window when it comes to internet “chatting” or sending out explicit emails to someone on a dating or sex site. If you’re in a committed relationship, you shouldn’t even have these kinds of profiles or interactions, it’s beyond appropriate.
I think it’s all because the chance of getting caught is so much lower compared with if you’re actually going out and meeting someone. What people who do this don’t realize is that they are emotionally betraying the person they are supposedly committed to, but I’ve come to the conclusion that some people will never acknowledge that, or see how their actions have hurt someone’s trust.
Cyber relationships exist in full force and they are redefining ‘long distance relationships’.
I think there is by and large a degree of dishonesty within a cyber relationship. You’re not meeting this person in reality and seeing how they interact with others. How they act around you.
Their mannerisms - morals - attitude - etc.
It has become a very strange phenomenon spurred on by a couple of things:
1) people’s insecurities and fear of rejection
2) people not having the time to ‘go out’ and look for love so they seek it online (convenience)
3) insecurity -whether its about their looks, their lack of money, self esteem - whatever - cyber relationships give some people the opportunity to find ‘love’ without leaving the house.
Overall I think they are bad for humanity. I think the internet is a wonderful tool, but its being used in the wrong way. People are using it as a substitute for real life. I think the internet should be shut down one day a week where nobody could go online at all and actually had to either go outside or find something else to do.
We’re all guilty - me not being any type of exception.
I sometimes think back to just 10 years ago when I didn’t have a computer or the internet at all.
What did I do with my time??
I think I was more creative - I spent more time with friends and I went out more.
We are becoming dangerously dependent on machines to entertain us and make us ‘feel’.
my 2 cents.
Leo, I didn’t know you can write like this…wow! You actually have a sound and a critical analysis of the social issue/phenomena…I like!
A long distance relationship isn’t easy but it’s not impossible. I did it for 2 1/2 years and we’ve now been together for 13. You have to accept that you aren’t together and cherish the moments that you are - through email, chat, video or phone. Flat screen can lead to misunderstandings so don’t be tough on each other.